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Tuesday
June 23, 2009 Dreaming of Double-Digit Growth?Filed under: Editorial, Personal Hi, Everyone! We recently had a very special event here at ASI: We hosted the monthly meeting of Specialty Advertising Counselors of the Delaware Valley (SACDV), our local industry association. It was a fun and informative meeting, equal parts networking event and education. There was lots of fabulous food (salad, pizza, hors d’oeuvre, wine, soft drinks, root-beer ice cream floats) courtesy of the event’s sponsors: Admints/Zagabor, ASI, Montco, PromoBiz Coach and Rockland Embroidery. Janet McMaster, education chair of the group, explained the need for grassroots efforts to combat an overly-restrictive and detrimental bill currently before Congress: the Physician Payments Sunshine Act. Janet stressed the need to write your local congressperson to express concern over the negative impact it would have on the industry. She also noted that SACDV will be forming a legislative committee to work as an advocate in the legal arena on behalf of the group and the industry. Dale Denham, senior vice president for ASI, addressed the group in more detail, explaining that if passed, the law would force pharmaceutical and medical equipment companies to reveal the gifting of every item, of any value, once the annual threshold of $100 is crossed. Under the current law, only items exceeding $25 must be reported once the threshold is passed. Information would be combined in a national database that could be accessed by the public. Click here to read more. But it was Gene Geiger’s keynote presentation, entitled “Virtual Business Cultivation: Using Social Networks to Grow Business,” that had attendees tuned in. Gene is such a super guy — one of the most gracious, genteel and dryly funny people in the industry — and his presentation did not disappoint. (He may also be the one person in the industry who could get away with using the phrase “honest to Betsy” — as he did last night — and have it sound endearingly charming.) If you’re like me and get completely overwhelmed by the concept of online social networking and sites like Facebook and Twitter, Gene’s speech was for you. In it, he explained how online social networking isn’t just for kids anymore — indeed, the fastest-growing group of users are the over-40 crowd. Gene said it’s ideal for building relationships and “light alliances” where people can make connections they don’t have the time for otherwise. For more information about SACDV or to request a copy of Gene’s very thorough and comprehensive presentation, go to www.sacdv.org.
Dreaming of Double-Digit Growth? Tired of the doom and gloom financial news? Listen in to the free Webinar I’m moderating tomorrow! We’ve found some industry suppliers who have experienced double- and triple-digit growth, despite the turbulent economy. My panelists will be Fred Antonini, owner of eGrips (asi/54596), whose company grew 1,700% in one year, as well as Brett Hersh, owner of AdMints & Zagabor (asi/31516) and Rob Watson, president of MediaTree (asi/70303) — both of whom experienced 100% growth for their companies from ‘07 to ‘08 — and Christopher Duffy, senior vice president of marketing at Bag Makers Inc.(asi/37940), a company that grew 47% from ‘07 to ‘08. Join us for the Webinar tomorrow, Wednesday, June 24, from 2:00-3:00 p.m. (EST) to learn their tips for success, see how they’ve navigated pitfalls and discover how they’ve used innovation and ingenuity to generate spectacular sales in a stagnant marketplace. To listen to the Webinar held earlier today, click here. More next week! Cheers, M
Friday
June 12, 2009 A “Hangover” that Didn’t Make Me Beg for Death…Happy Friday Everyone!!! So just in time for the weekend, and because everyone needs a good, hearty laugh to counterbalance the dreary state of the economy, I am telling everyone I know to run — don’t walk – to see The Hangover. My merry band of movie-going pals here at ASI went to see it last night and I will tell you that I haven’t howled that heartily at a movie since Old School. I thought Forgetting Sarah Marshall was funny; this is riotous in a body-convulsing fashion. At one point, I laughed so hard that my pal Pierre Schnog, a senior editorial desgner for ASI’s magazines, leaned over and asked — in a very concerned way — if I needed medical assistance. I believe he thought my lungs had collapsed because I was wheezing with laughter [click here to hear my turkey-call of a laugh that frightens young and old alike…]. To be sure, many hangovers I’ve experienced have made me weep and beg for a quick, painless death; this one made me cry with uproarious hilarity. In a nutshell, the movie is about four guys who take a road trip from Cali to Vegas for one last night of partying before one of them — “Doug” — gets married. You don’t get to see much of Doug once they arrive in Vegas because he goes missing, and the mayhem that follows is nothing short of Caligulan. [Click here to see a trailer of the movie]. Perhaps I loved the movie so much because some of my trips to Vegas for industry shows have been equally as legendary in their Dionysian debauchery (Shepenco’s Dan Townes, Express Pens’ Matt Linderman, Bravo Awards’ Brian Starke & Greg Livings, On Time Promotions’ Sharon Biernat, WorkflowOne’s Jill Albers and Red Heart Promotions’ Sharon Ross, I’m looking at you…; )). Really now, who hasn’t woken up on the floor of a room resembling the sack of Rome, newly tattooed, with a free-range chicken strutting through the place? Am I the only one??? As sublime as the movie was, my complaint still holds from the last few movies my pals and I have been to – where are the fun, cool and memorable ad specialty tie-ins? I’m telling you: If, for example, at showings of The Hangover, they gave out stuffed tigers, keychains with fake incisor “charms,” imprinted tighty-whiteys (all key plots points from the movie), shot glasses or disposable cameras (so movie-goers could snap evidence of their own extreme partying), the items would be coveted. Mark my words, my friends: If the day ever comes when ASI’s president & CEO Tim Andrews finally shows me the door for being a PITA (Pain In The Ass), I’ll start my own movie promo business going to theaters owners and yapping incessantly to them about how — if they used ad specialties — they’d have legions of loyal patrons. Cheers, and more next week! – M
Tuesday
June 2, 2009 In Praise of Nerds, Networkers & Beloved BFFsHi & Happy June, Everyone! For people of my ilk — the sci-fi/fantasy/comic-con freaks — there can be no doubt that this is our time to shine. The Golden Age of the Geek. In the past two months, movies such as Wolverine, the electrifying Star Trek and decidedly so-so Terminator have opened, with the second installment of Transformers and the sixth Harry Potter coming in a few weeks. It is, indeed, the summer of our most content. Having seen some of these movies with my Nerd Herd friends at ASI (Jeremy Young, Jason Kuttner, Jim Maratea, Seth Kusiak, Samantha Tucker and Hillary Braubitz, I’m looking at you!), here’s my question: Where are the promo products to accompany these big-budget openings? There are few fan bases as rabid in their devotion and loyalty as the geeks, so why aren’t the movie industry, theater owners, etc. doing more to show their appreciation? When the Nerd Herd and I went to see Wolverine, we all gathered in the theater’s lobby after the movie to play one of those games where you maneuver the metal claw to capture a plush toy. (No need to point out the weirdness of a bunch of people in their early 30s and considerably older participating in this… We know.) My techy wizard pal Seth was able to win a stuffed Star Trek “Live Long and Prosper” hand (the Vulcan “farewell” for those of you not cool enough to know… ; ) ), but it cost us all about $15 in dollar bills to do so.
Would it fry the neural pathways of ad specialty buyers to offer some logoed items as free giveaways? Just a thought, but if they want the continued patronage of people with clearly a lot of time, money and freakish devotion, wouldn’t it behoove them to ply the fanboy (and girl) demographic with incentives? Remember: These are people willing to dress in costume and sleep on streets for movie premiers; imagine how fired up their metachlorians would get over an imprinted T-shirt.
SnugZ/USA’s Charley Johnson Gets Connected My friend Charley Johnson, one half of the charismatic SnugZ/USA duo, recently started a new Facebook group called “Promo 35,” which he says will focus mainly on the younger/next generation of the ad specialty industry. It will also spotlight enlightening interviews with some well-known people in the industry — Q&As with Gene Geiger, Bob Stoltz from Sanford Business-to-Business and ASI’s president/CEO Tim Andrews are on the site now.
Though I personally find online social networking to be a scourge, I applaud any effort like Charley’s to make the industry more inclusive. “Only a small percentage of people know the ins and outs of our industry and I would like to bring the knowledge of some of the big players in the industry to more people,” Charley says. “A happier, more engaged employee only makes for a stronger company, which in turn helps the industry. I have many Facebook friends from the industry but they all have their own set of friends — friends they work with back at the office, friends I will never meet nor will you — and these are the people I want to get involved. It’s a piece a cake to send a Friend request and even simpler for these people to accept and not a damn dime is spent.” To check out Charley’s “Promo 35″ site, use this link: http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php#/pages/promo35/106499934072?ref=ts. The site is only one week old and already has over 400 members. Interviews with Dard’s Bonni Shevin-Sandy, AIA’s David Woods, Boundless Network’s Jason Black, The Vernon Co.’s Chris Vernon and Shelbyville Pencil/Shepenco’s Dan Townes, among others, will be posted soon. A Message to Michael Lastly, I’d like to give a special shout-out to my favorite in the industry, Michael Bernstein, who celebrates his 42nd birthday today. Michael, the vice chairman of Polyconcept, and I have been friends since we were 29 years old — I was new to the industry when we met and he was just a guy who worked in the design department at Leed’s. In the 12 years since, he is the one I’m closest to, the one I rely on the most and the one who calls me on my crap.
Henceforth, the top six reasons why the talented Mr. Bernstein is my brother from another mother: 6. Because I’ve always been a sucker for smart-ass, defiant rebels. When we first met, at the 1997 Counselor banquet — when it was the “Top 25″ and Leed’s had just cracked the list in the #25 slot — he sat at a back table in the banquet facility with a one-hitter and got progressively high throughout the evening… much to the mystified amazement of everyone who recognized the wafting scent and snapped to attention. 5. Because he’s seen the Grateful Dead more than 120 times and once took me to a Stones concert in Pittsburgh at which we had front row seats — and because he only mildly mocked me as I squealed like a 12-year-old girl when Keith Richards stood directly in front of us and played “Sympathy for the Devil.” 4. Because even though he’s snarky and sarcastic, cynical and borderline nihilistic, he and his wife Amy have Shabbat dinner every Friday night so their four young children get a sense of their Jewish heritage. 3. Because he covets his privacy and keeps such a low profile he makes Keyser Söze seem attention-starved, yet acquiesces to my continued, pesky requests for interviews, quotes and dreaded (for him) photo shoots for ASI’s magazines.
2. Because when I need someone to explain the intricacies of world economies and financial markets — and their impact on the industry — he’s the first one I call. He is the Annie Sullivan to my Helen Keller. 1. Because even though he’s now the vice chairman of a billion dollar global company, he’s still the same person he was when I met him 12 years ago — one of the most chronically individualistic, iconoclastic, enigmatic and funny people I know. Happy Birthday, Michael… ; ) – M
Friday
May 1, 2009 Elves and Ogres and Babies, Oh My!Filed under: Editorial, Personal Hi Everyone! I’ve always been a glass-half-full kind of girl, both philosophically and alcoholically. So in the midst of so much negativity — bad economy, sagging industry sales, swine flu pandemic, pending laws that can wreak havoc with the industry — I’m choosing to get my Pollyanna on and highlight the positive. 1. We’re not Iceland. I recently read an article about the economic crisis in that lovely country in the April issue of Vanity Fair magazine and came across this gem: “Alcoa, the biggest aluminum company in the country, encountered a problem peculiar to Iceland when, in 2004, it set about erecting a giant smelting plant: The so-called ‘hidden people’ — or, to put it more plainly, elves — in whom some large number of Icelanders sincerely believe. Before it could build its plant, Alcoa had to hire a firm to certify to the government that the plant site was elf-free. As one government official explained, the process of ‘certifying the non-existence of elves can take at least six months — and be very tricky.’ ” [Click here to read the Vanity Fair article about Iceland] Elves? Really??? Lest anyone question why Iceland fell into financial ruins, it’s clearly because they’re operating under the assumption that they exist in Middle Earth. There’s no doubt that we have issues in the U.S. that require a Herculean effort to fix. What we don’t have, mercifully, is a population and a government willing to let leprechauns, fairies and the Trix rabbit control business policy. 2. Not all doctors are lemmings. Am I the only one who’s had it with the power-tripping dictators at PhRMA riding roughshod over its members? I’ve always been curious how one self-governing body can impose regulations on its members that can be most charitably described as “goofy.” I went to my doctor, a spitfire named Christine, not too long ago and asked her if — when presented with a pen, mug or notepad imprinted with the name of a drug and its logo — she’d be swayed to then write prescriptions to her patients for that drug. She looked at me as though I just offered her a bong hit. “No,” she said archly, “because, you know, I have a functioning brain.” She resents being strong-armed by “a somewhat useful, though oftentimes archaic and cranky” (Christine’s words) governing body. I don’t blame her. If anyone needs a big, logoed bag of “STFU,” it’s the ogres overseeing PhRMA. 3. New blood.This week, I celebrated my 12-year anniversary with ASI. (Tim Andrews, our president/CEO, is never far from a witty, Oscar Wilde-esque bon mot and noted that “it seems like 20 years for the rest of us”). Sometimes, I get that “been there, done that, know everyone and seen it all” weariness. Then, completely randomly, I meet someone new in the industry — someone who makes me remember why I love the people in it so much — and I just get giddy. On Wednesday, I had a 90-minute conversation with Nicole DiTrolio Standley, president of The Perfect Swag in CA (asi/293508) and a blogger in her own right (www.LaDolceSwag.com). I’ll say this as clearly as possible: I Love This Chick! She’s whip-smart, wicked funny, uber-creative and my new industry BFF. She GETS IT, and has reminded me how — when distributors are innovative, eccentric, brave, brash and love their suppliers — they truly can kick ass. Read more about Nicole in the brand-spankin’ new May issue of Advantages in the “What’s Your Story?” section. The writer Hunter S. Thompson repeatedly said, “Crazies always recognize each other.” I am convinced this is now the basis for my friendship with Nicole — together we’ll be sugar and spice and everything vice. See you at the SAAC Show, Nicole — cocktails at the Chateau Marmont on me! ; ) 4. Oh, babies! Now here’s some life-affirming, happy news: ASI vice president Dale Denham’s wife Kim just gave birth to twin girls. Woo Hoo and congratulations!!!
The babies’ names are Kyleigh Anne (7 lbs; 15 ounces) and Kira Michelle (8 lbs; 4 ounces). “Mom and babies are doing great,” Dale says. 5. Summer lovin’. Twenty-eight days from today will be the start of Memorial Day weekend, and I’ll be on the way to my beloved Avalon for the summer — reveling in the sun, cavorting with old friends and disgracing myself like a haggard rock star. Can. Not. Wait. More next week! Cheers!!! – M
Friday
March 27, 2009 BIC’s Dave Saracino Turns the Big 5-0Hi Everyone! Some of my favorite industry characters recently clued me into the fact that Dave Saracino, director of sales for Counselor Top 40 supplier BIC, celebrated his 50th birthday. BFFs Chuck Fandos of Counselor Top 40 distributor Gateway/CDI and Kris Robinson of Counselor Top 40 distributor PromoShop sent me these photos from the rollicking festivities, held in conjunction with a Legacy Buying Group meeting in Las Vegas. Details of the lost weekend in Sin City — like the boys’ behavior — are sketchy, but let’s just put it this way: I think the unofficial name for this group of fun friends should be “The Wrecking Crew.” ; )
“The Legacy Group is a group of six distributor companies totaling about $160 million in sales who formed a buying group in 2000,” says Gateway/CDI’s Fandos. “We share business strategies and lots of fun. Dave Saracino is an honorary member of the Legacy Group because he is, well … Dave.” Fandos also told us that after the group played golf at the stunning Lake Las Vegas golf course, they visited a variety of casinos and watering holes until the wee hours of the morning. “Dave kept the golf theme going by wearing his golf shoes all night.” Post a comment below if you’d like to send Dave 50th birthday wishes! Cheers and more next week! – M
Friday
March 20, 2009 Battlestar Galactica’s Last Episode: The Final “Frak You”Hi Everyone! Today is a momentous day in Dorkville, as Battlestar Galactica, the Sci-Fi Network’s brilliantly brutal and deliciously dark space opera about human beings living in a futuristic alternate reality and the sexy, stealthy, sneaky Cylon robot counterparts who love them (except when they want to kill them) calls it quits after four breathtakingly rollicking seasons.
In this now-famous “Last Supper” press photo for the start of the fourth and final season of Battlestar Galactica, the impossibly attractive main players of humans and Cylons share a table before one last, big, “frak you” moment. Two of my work BFFs, Hillary Braubitz (ASI’s senior editorial designer who lays out our magazines) and Jeremy Young (one of ASI’s tech engineers) and I rented a hotel room last week so we could all watch the second-to-the-last episode together. We wanted to watch together because Hillary, who is in Europe at the moment and will be missing tonight’s final show, is the one who turned me on to the frakking fabulousness that is BSG. She’s also allergic to cats (removing watching the show at my house, where my kittens Monkey and Mouse live with me, from the equation), which is why we got a hotel room where we could all hunker down, drink ourselves silly and bask in the brilliance of the show.
Here are my partners-in-dorkiness, Hillary Braubitz, ASI’s senior editorial designer (she lays out all our magazines) and the person who first clued me into the brilliance of BSG, and Jeremy Young, one of the uber-Geeks who handles ASI’s technology infrastructure. Despite the stricken look on her face — which bears more than a passing resemblance to Patty Hearst’s after she spent a day or two with the Symbionese Liberation Army — Hillary really isn’t unnerved by Jeremy, nor is Jeremy nearly as cheesy as he looks in this photo. Why he appears to be posing for a cognac ad escapes me. All he’s missing is a red silk robe, a matching ascot and a pipe.
Here, Jeremy says something clearly jaw-dropping to Hillary. Perhaps it’s the fact that he’s just sucked down his second tumbler of 18-year-old Scotch or that he’s proudly wearing a Han Solo Star Wars T-shirt. I’ll say this about Jeremy: He does fly his dork flag proudly… This isn’t the first time I’ve written about my love for BSG, or my coming out of the closet as a full-fledged sci-fi/fantasy fan. [Click here for previous blog] However, it bears repeating because this show may be one of the best we’ll come across in a generation. Like some other ground-breaking shows — The Sopranos, Mad Men, Rescue Me, Lost — BSG was never afraid to address messy issues and had to guts to let them play out as they would in real life, in all its nasty, gritty, gory glory. No one on BSG is an angel (well, one of them may be, but her behavior is far from angelic), which is what makes the show all that more compelling — there is no pure good or evil. Everything about this show (including its lighting) exists in troubling shades of gray. Not since Blade Runner has science fiction shot for the screen been so morally ambiguous. So, without further delay, are the top 4 reasons why BSG may be the best show in decades: 1. Though it never won a major Golden Globe or Emmy award, BSG received critical acclaim, the devotion of legions of fans and was presented with the prestigious Peabody Award for excellence in television. Which, by the way, if we’re comparing that to the Emmys, would be like being given a glass of Veuve Clicquot champagne as opposed to a mason jar full of Champipple. So esteemed is this show that a special screening of select episodes was held this week at the United Nations, followed by a discussion among U.N. representatives, cast members and the show’s creators on topics such as human rights, children and armed conflicts, terrorism and different cultures and faiths. When the blond pop tarts on The Girls Next Door are invited to such a gathering, I’ll turn in my membership to the nerd herd and begin touting the benefits of reality TV to society. 2. In creating such a vivid, complex and at times frustrating view of an alternate society, the brains behind BSG have given us such gems as a cranky, cantankerous doctor, ironically named “Coddle,” who chain-smokes in front of critically ill patients and barks at grieving family members, “just try not to unplug anything — or anybody.” So fully-formed and unique are the characters that populate the BSG world that it’s them you’re ultimately drawn to — not the dazzling (and they are) special effects. You also have to give kudos to a show that installed a woman as president (the always-awesome Mary McDonnell) and gave her the backbone to make impossibly difficult decisions with the wisdom, grace and definitiveness you wish existed in the men who’ve held the office of U.S. president. 3. FRAK! One of my favorite aspects of BSG is the way it commandeered its own bad, four-letter ”F-word” that’s not only part of the lexicon in the BSG world, but has seeped into ours as well. Want to know who’s a BSG fan? Start hurling the word “frak” around and they’ll give themselves away with the knowing glint in their eyes. I like it because it allows me to curse even more loudly and liberally than usual, but without the usual annoying tisk-tisk, finger-wagging repercussions. I can’t tell you the joy I derive from telling Joe Haley, ASI’s managing editor and star of The Joe Show, “Frak you, my little motherfrakker!” (He responds in kind by calling me “a total dork who is justifiably single.”) 4. Because the creators of the show, Ronald Moore and David Eick, took the character of Starbuck — played in the cheesy ’70s original by Dirk Benedict as the epitome of a testosterone-driven, swashbuckling rogue — and did the unthinkable. They re-imagined the character as a blond, tattooed girl. Kara Thrace (played by Katee Sackoff) is an ace fighter pilot with a mouth like a sailor on shore leave. The only thing more mind-numbing than her use of profanity is her cavalier, chew-’em-up-and-spit-’em-out attitude towards sex and her ability to drink copious amounts of liquor. Of course, I love her. I’d want to drink with her, but am sure she’d kick my ass, as she does everyone else’s. In this new, enlightened BSG world, Starbuck is a little bad-ass blond who can eat your entrails for lunch, and wash them down with a shot. Because I am such a devotee of BSG, and because today is the show’s last hurrah, please do post a comment below if you’re a BSG fan. If you do, it will be my pleasure to send you your very own “Frak” mug — one of which I have on my desk, as do my BFF dorks Hillary and Jeremy. After all, everyone deserves a good frak. So say we all! Cheers, and more next week! – Michele Actual
Monday
March 16, 2009 ASI NYC: Start Spreading the News!Filed under: ASI Shows, Editorial, Travel Hi Everyone! We’re just back from ASI’s second annual New York Show and it was both a success and a blast! The trade show posted strong attendance of nearly 2,800 distributors from 1,338 firms, up more than 7% from 1,247 firms last year. Education day attracted nearly 450 distributors – up about 8% from a year ago. Even more impressive because education day was held on a Sunday. I’m a little out of my comfort zone in New York, but with the help of some friends, managed to hang out in some of the best places. For example, at the legendary Algonquin Hotel, where writer Dorothy Parker and other renowned writers traded bon mots and barbs around the notorious “vicious circle,” Shepenco’s Dan Townes and I had quite a few cocktails. A New York landmark, lounging at this hotel and it’s amazing bar — steeped in tons of local lore — was the perfect way to spend an afternoon. Had I known it existed, I would have shaken Dan down to buy me the Algonquin’s $10,000 martini — into which they plop a diamond in lieu of ice. (Click here to learn more about the famous — and infamous — writers who used to frequent the Algonquin: and here for some trivia regarding the historic establishment.) This napkin, mystifying free from any spillage from my three Cosmo martinis, bears a famous quote from Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker’s BFF and prodigiously talented writer for The New Yorker, Vanity Fair and Life magazines in the ’20s and ’30s.
So, without further adieu, enjoy the sights from the show! More at the end of the week when I give a heartfelt send-off to the best show on TV, Battlestar Galactica. Get ready to get your CYL-ON, my little toasters! ; ) Cheers, Michele
Tuesday
February 24, 2009 What the Hell is a “Twitter”?Hi Everyone! Sorry I’ve been incommunicado — I’ve had crazy, overlapping magazine deadlines that have been stalking me like buzzards flying lazing circles. However, my absence from blogging has given me time to ponder my latest loony rant: just how much I despise online social networking. It’s not that I’m averse to new forms of technology per se… Some of my favorite people here at ASI are the Tech Geeks, or as I call them, The Joy Stick Club. For example, meet Seth and Jeremy… They work with Jason Kuttner, who first introduced me to the hilarious video “It’s All About the Pentiums” — a parody of the P. Diddy song, “It’s All About the Benjamins” and perhaps the best riff on the computer nerd culture ever. (Click here to see the video)
So what’s my issue with online social networking sites like Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and MySpace? They’re the nexus for all things annoying in life, and one more nail in the coffin of personal, human interaction. Heretowith, the eight reasons why online networking is the current bane of my existence: 1. The Tedious Play-by-Play. Am I the only one who doesn’t care that Mrs. Blah Blah is “out having the dog groomed” or that Larry Lame “just had a burrito for lunch.” Let me end the suspense for you: Michele is sitting at her computer right now, rolling her eyes in an exasperated fashion and using variations of a word that rhymes with “duck.” 2. When, Exactly, Did “Friend” Become a Verb? I get daily invitations from people who want to “Friend” me, Link with me and Tweet me (which sounds way more salacious and fun than it is). Really? First of all, if I consider you a friend and want you to have an all-access pass to my life, you already have my e-mail address and cell phone number, which I sometimes think has been written on bathroom walls at ASI shows, so many industry people seem to have it. Do we really need one more avenue through which to know every single detail about a person and to be able to contact them 24/7? I love you all dearly… I love my privacy more. 3. Ghosts of Boyfriends Past. My friend Meg and I have known each other since the first grade. We know each other’s dirty little secrets and have been there for all the major events in each other’s life. Meg called me last week to tell me that she’s now on Facebook and has been in contact with a guy we went to high school with — let’s call him Loser McMoron. The cringe-inducing part? Loser McMoron is the first person I had sex with and the thought of my oldest friend chatting him up after all these years unnerves the hell out of me. Do I regret the losing-my-virginity sex? Nope. I regret the fact that it was with a Reagan Republican. I still shudder at the thought. The moral of the story? Some people belong in the past. Unlike Christ, resurrecting them isn’t hallelujah-worthy. 4. The “25 Random Things” List on Facebook. Please. Have we really become this self-important and self-involved that we need to share every little cockamamie, weirdo aspect of our lives? Because I refuse to engage in online networking, my cousin read her list to me, much to my chagrin. Number 6 on her list was “Sometimes, when I’m sad, I sneak a piece of cake and eat it in my bedroom.” Good Lord. Who needs to know that? Have we no shame? And by the way, to my cousin I say: Anyone who’s walked behind you lately would agree that the sneaky cake-eating isn’t exactly a secret. 5. My mother is on Facebook. 6. The Whining Wall. My aforementioned mother, Judge Judye (again, she doesn’t preside over a court, but she is judgemental), is a new member to the Facebook community, which is reason enough for me to disavow it as a harbinger of the apocalypse. She’s eager for me to join so she can post messages on my “Wall.” I’m not quite sure what that is, but am fairly certain they have one in hell. To be clear, my mother utilizes every form of modern communication — phone, e-mail, text message — to reach her recommended daily allowance of nagging. Giving her one more portal to do so is the last thing I need. When I didn’t call her back within five minutes after her leaving me message on Sunday night because I was watching the Oscars, she sent me an Instant Message reminding me that she was in labor with me for 10 hours. Oy gevault, sighs this shiksa. 7. Virtual “Drinks.” As someone who still gets a special thrill uncorking a new bottle of Grey Goose and pouring it over a glacial stack of ice, the concept of a “virtual drink” is just downright twisted and evil. The premise, as it’s been explained to me, is this: A person sends out an invitation to all his online “friends” to have a drink, and if you accept, a mini-program is downloaded, thereby letting your wild and crazy online posse tie one on. (A word of caution: Drink responsibly or you may end up getting Control-Alt-Deleted right into Virtual Rehab.) Joe Haley, my editorial colleague and star of The Joe Show, tells me, “It’s like being in a bar and drinking with all your friends.” Yes, it certainly seems so in every way — except that there’s no real bar, there are no real, live friends and, most importantly, THERE IS NO ALCOHOL. If I want to drink in a bar with friends, I require it to be so real that I feel the thud of dead weight hitting the floor as they boozily fall off their bar stools like sacks of potatoes. 8. The Popularity Contest. I have actually witnessed conversations between middle-aged people in which they complain that they “only have 60 MySpace friends while SoandSo has 500″ or lamenting for far longer than they should that their request to be someone’s “friend” has been declined. I’m just guessing here, but I think these are also the people who brought their cousins as prom dates and were the last kids to be picked for dodgeball. Now lest you think I’m alone in my anti-online networking sentiment, Time magazine just declared Facebook “the place for old fogies” and about as hip as Pat Boone. “There was a time when it was cool to be on Facebook,” the magazine noted. “That time has passed.” Additionally, my techno-dork BFF Jeremy whom I mentioned earlier in this blog drew his own line in the sand last November by removing himself and all evidence he ever existed from Facebook (which speaks volumes about his threshold for geekiness because has NO problem proudly and readily admitting that he’s the secretary in an amateur astronomy club): “Social networks are the new world order of how people hang out,” he says. “It used to be that you’d hang out with friends and it was fun. Now you ‘hang out’ with people online and don’t even know some of them. There’s an entire Internet of people spewing nonsense that I couldn’t care less about … and they’re not there for me to mock in person.” My reason for shunning online networking is different: I like my real-life friends — the ones who can meet for real meals and show up to provide rides, alibis and testimony for the defense at a moment’s notice. When online friends can do that, I’ll be all aTwitter. Cheers! – M PS: Hope to see you at ASI’s New York Show from March 8-10. I’ll be the one consuming real drinks… ; ) |
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